After months of thinking about it I am finally here to document our quest to have our own little family...
I will start from the beginning....
Met my wonderful husband on 7th April 2007 and on 16th April 2011 we became Mr & Mrs Mc'B' - the happiest day of my life. After going through a few bad relationships and having a few difficult times in my life I truly never believed this day would come, but it did and it really was the most perfect day of my life and as quoted by my mum 'Pete may not be rich in money but he is rich in love for my daughter'. We didn't spend alot on our big day but with a little help from a few special people it really was a wonderful day and it most certainly wasn't about the money!Anyway, in July following our wedding we discussed the future and having a family.
I had previously being diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) in 2006 after a laparoscopy and Pete had mentioned in the early stages of our relationship that he may have problems having children but obviously that would never change the way I felt about him.
So, we took the plunge and went to the doctors to discuss our issues.
18th January 2012 - I went in to the Friarage for a HSG to check my tubes - all clear. However, this was the start of a rocky 6 months. The procedure was the most painful experience of my life, I will never be able to explain the pain to anyone but I will never forget that day....or the tears. I was in pain for days afterwards and had to take unexpected time off work.
7th February 2012 - Initial consultation with Dr Bryce at The Friarage Hospital, Northallerton where after having blood tests, smears, scans, swabs and semen analysis, we were told we would not be able to conceive a child naturally together. We were referred to Seacroft Hospital for Reproductive Medicine in Leeds.
2nd April 2012 - General discussion at Seacroft with a referral for Pete to have further scans and tests.
23rd April 2012 - Pete's scans carried out at Leeds Infirmary.
28th May 2012 - Meeting with Professor Adam Balen at Seacroft - Results from Pete's scans confirming we will never have a child together. Our only option being donor IVF, but unfortunately the North Yorkshire PCT do not fund IVF so we would have to self fund. Something that we are no where near able to do so hopes completely dashed. I did follow this up with a letter to the PCT and also William Hague to try and appeal but this came to nothing, final begging letter sent but still waiting to hear.
22nd June 2012 - Unexpected letter from Professor Adam Balen at Seacroft with a final diagnosis for Pete - Klinefelters Syndrome (this condition leads to reduced fertility and in Pete's case means he will never biologically father a child of his own).
We are now in July (the 23rd) and I still have not returned to work after my HSG in January.The whole process has left me confused, sad, tired and I am on anti-depressants with a sedative in to help me sleep and also beta blockers to help with the anxiety I now suffer with.
I struggle to sleep, and when I do I dream and wake up feeling tired, I have slight hair loss when I shower and I cannot leave the house on my own for fear of seeing anyone I know, the thought of having to explain myself to anyone scares me so much. I lost around 2 stone due to loss of appetite, thankfully the appetite is back however I think comfort eating may be kicking in!
I have been in town once (for our anniversary) in 6 months but do try to get out and about with Pete and my Mum as often as I can.
I am now tired, drained and completely exhausted from 6 months of 'thinking too much', trying to find an answer, trying to make sense of it all.
Also noticed that everyone around me became pregnant while we were having all these tests, 5 pregnancies at work I think. That was a very difficult thing for me, especially when the obvious happened....'must be your turn next Paula'! People are so quick to assume everyone can have children, what about us that can't, how do we answer that? Perfectly natural question but everytime crushed me a little bit more. And then there was the whole thing if I told people, would they give me sympathy, last thing I wanted. Never, ever want sympathy, just support and understanding means the world.
If we can't raise funds for IVF then our only other option is adoption but having looked into this it seems to be a massive invasion of your life and not sure how I would cope with it, as amazing as it would be to adopt and give a child a chance in life, the maternal part of me still craves to be pregnant and bring a baby into the world.
So, all that is left is to make the money we need but this would mean going public and telling the world that we cannot have children and we need help to raise the money we so desperately need to enable us to have the family we really want! I can't explain how I feel and no one else can explain or understand unless they have been in this lonely little boat, hoping and praying for a miracle, trying not to give up.
Our hope is to one day have a baby together, a grandchild for my mum and a new meaning in our lives, a brand new future to look forward to.
So here we are, at today's date, sharing our story but also to raise awareness and help other couples that want what we want.
Would like to say a huge thanks to my mum, the best mum a girl could wish for and completely supportive in all we choose to do (and great for regular coffee trips to get me out of the house!) x
Also, my best (and pregnant!) friend Vicki - who is always there for me x
That's all from me today, hope I have managed to cover everything.
Hope to keep this blog updated regularly and maybe one day this will all have been worthwhile and we can look back and read this with a smile on our faces knowing that it was the right thing to do....
