Christmas

Well....the festive season is upon us....I have finished my Christmas shopping, the festive booze has been purchased, just a few bits of food to get and then I am done!

So.....I am going to chill out and relax for the next 4 days (at least!) and won't be blogging again until after Christmas so I would just like to say....

A MASSIVE, MASSIVE THANK YOU TO ALL THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY THAT HAVE SUPPORTED US THIS YEAR. IT'S BEEN A HARD YEAR BUT THE SUPPORT FROM YOU MEANS THE WORLD TO US AND THE KIND WORDS HAVE MOST CERTAINLY HELPED ME GET THROUGH THE LAST 12 MONTHS........So from the bottom of my heart, thank you <3

I would like to wish you all a very merry Christmas and send you all my love and best wishes for 2013!

Signing out for now......

I don't have a great deal to write about this week really but just though I would write a little entry anyway, for scrapbooking purposes ;)

We had a well earned night away on Monday (early Christmas present from Mum). Went to see Ellie Goulding at Manchester Academy, it was lovely just to have a break away, even if it was for just one night.

Had quite an emotional month or so and felt unhappy with my current medication and my sleep problems. Also been having lots of muscle pain, some of which started years ago but new symptoms and increasing pain finally led me back to the doctors today.

So yet another change in my AD's, strict instructions to take every day for 28 days and not try and be clever and see if every other day works...fingers crossed, I would love a perfect nights sleep.

Also diagnosed with Chondromalacia Patellae which is damage to the cartilage behind the kneecaps which causes me excruciating pain to the point I struggle to sit/stand or leave my legs in one position for too long.....physio for me so let's hope it helps...I have lots of other aches and pains going on aswell, again some began years ago but the pain has increased dramatically this year so my doctor is monitoring this aswell.

As for everything else.....we are in fundraiser switch off mode at the moment...I need a break before I do any more damage to myself and my health...a few things happening in 2013 to look forward to so hoping these changes help bring back the old me.

Christmas is nearly here, it's come round so quickly this year...I was in a shop in town today and there was a lady at the checkout with her son, the guy on the checkout asked the little boy if he was looking forward to Christmas and the little boy replied in his biggest, loudest most energetic of voices:

'Yes, and it is only 6 sleeps away'

So cute.....lump in my throat moment but I did smile :)

Things that made me smile today :
~ Wrapping my first Christmas presents of the year
~ Receiving a lovely and unexpected birthday gift from my friend, only 8 months late lol

Christmas is a funny time of year for me.....

I'm 32 now so too old to look forward to Santa, presents under the tree etc

When you are kids it is all so special and exciting and when you have children you have it all to make special for them. So, what do you do inbetween? There is a time when you are young and just want to enjoy your life for a few years before settling down and starting a family but everyone kind of has an idea when they want their 'grown up' time to really start!

We take it for granted though don't we? I know I did!

I would love a little family.....I would love to make it all magical for someone else, to see their face on Christmas morning when they know Santa has been ..... if I sit and think about it, it makes me so sad, even hearing the Christmas songs in the supermarket today reminded me of when I was little and how wonderful this time of year was. I always looked forward to the day I would have children and be able to make it so special for them, just like my Mum always did for me.

So, how do you cope with it knowing that you may never be able to do that? 
There is no answer and no definites for us...we genuinely don't know that yes oneday we will definitely succeed with our IVF or that we will get accepted to adopt or even foster...there is no definite for us so I just have to hope.....not easy......but you smile, try and shake off the silly things whirling round in your head and carry on.

Time is flying by and we are getting older, Pete (my amazing husband) turns 44 this coming Wednesday and I am nearly 33.....I just wish we knew what the future holds for us so we could accept it and enjoy life in whatever way we need to.

Things that made me smile today :

~ Remembering that James arthur won this years X-Factor last night.....i'm not ashamed to say I love him and cannot wait to hear his music in 2013 x

~ Knowing that a week today we are going to Manchester to see Ellie Goulding, a break away, even if it is just for one night, it's something to look forward to :) x

I wish I could put into words how I feel today...how I have felt for the last week infact.

I am so touched by all the wonderful messages we have had and all the fantastic gestures people have made in our journey to make a miracle.

Every time someone says something nice, offers words of hope or encouragement it brings me to tears.....I aren't and never have been a person that wants to draw attention to myself so the overwhelming amount of support we have right now truly is amazing and as I said, how I feel right now, I just cannot put into words.

A few moments ago someone sent me this image of some angels that ward 15 at the hospital have made to sell to raise funds for us.....so kind and thoughtful....sometimes feel I don't deserve all this help and support but it is all most definitely teaching me alot of life lessons.

Thank you so much to everyone for their continued support!






On a final note, words from a friend who has an IVF baby...this explains why I want this so much....

'Never give up on your dreams! If I had given up so easily I would not have had what I have now! My precious little Libbie.............the hardest most rewarding thing I have EVER done but worth every injection, every visit to the clinic, every bit of medication, every little scare........basically she is my everything'

Things that made me smile today :

~ Lovely gestures from people we don't know

~ Writing my Christmas cards.....it's beginning to feel alot like christmas!

Just a quick post with an update on what we made on Saturday!!

We made a total of £1360.24 which is fantastic so thank you to everyone involved in making the day happen.

Our grand total is now £2199.93 which is a great start for us.

I haven't stopped crying for 3 days! Emotional, tired, overwhelmed, happy, never felt so many emotions at once.....it is most definitely time for a rest.

Thanks again to all our wonderful family and friends, we can't thank you all enough.

Our Stalls!

Santa & Minnie

I wasn't going to post today but decided to write a few words....

Saturday was our fundraiser event and as a friend said to me 'it will go so quick' and yes, she was right, it certainly did. It was a hectic and busy day from beginning to end and I have never felt as tired as I did yesterday!

The stalls were lovely and the people running them were so nice despite it not getting as busy as we had hoped. The kids loved Santa and Minnie Mouse was a hit, we had a few strolls up and down the high street with her, handing out balloons and biscuits but gosh it was cold....but lots of fun!

I have never seen so many cakes either!! So many people baked for us it was unbelievable!

Without my Mum the day would
 not have been possible....love her so much xx

The Reeds

The evening was great, the band and DJ were fab and there was some great raffle prizes taken home. Nothing went completely to plan but I guess that was to be expected.....we have never planned a big event like this before and I am so proud of what we achieved, we have certainly learnt from it!

It was also lovely to see lots of family and friends, some of which we haven't seen for so long, everyone was just so supportive and needless to say I did end up very emotional!

Laura - aka Minnie!
Love this lady lots, she has done
 so much for us and not complained once :) xx

And today I am still emotional! I am so tired, my feet hurt as I did not sit down once all day or evening, nor did I eat other than 6am breakfast!

Time for a rest I think...








A few pics....

The girls xx

My amazing husband <3 xx

Raffle Prizes!

Lovely to see these 2 :) xx

Joe & Nick - thanks for all your help x

Thank you to everyone for all your support......we will update on the total raised later today :)

It's been over a week since I last posted, time is going far too quickly at the moment!

Lots of planning and preparing happening in our house and my Mum's house at the moment, boxes of raffle prizes, tombola prizes, things for sale, balloons, money boxes, pens, paper, flyers....so much stuff!

Just over a week away, i'm feeling excited but anxious....I just want our day, that we have worked so hard for, to be a great success. Not just for us but for everyone else that has helped us and also everyone that is coming along on the day and being part of it all with us.

Had a few 'blips' in the last week, moments of madness and tears and total loss of control! How on earth my husband puts up with me I will never know but Pete, if you are reading this, once again, I thank you so much for putting up with me, I love you xx

Contemplating going to have a chat with my doctor again soon as I just aren't happy with my total lack of sleep, not sure if it's related to my tablets...too many, not enough...or if my mind is just working above and beyond what my tablets are supposed to be doing for me. Something I am going to think about over this coming week.

This is my 20th blog entry....it started at the end of July with a story of what me and Pete have been through this year and is now, what appears to be....my diary!! I do keep reading back through it and do keep hoping that oneday, perhaps even years from now, I will read back on all my thoughts and feelings and be able to smile and say I got through it all, I hope it all makes me a stronger person and that a positive comes from everything.

And soon, Christmas will be upon us......but that can wait until the 2nd of December, something new to think about!

Things that made me smile today :
~ Kind words from friends

~ My husband bringing me ice cream

Interesting article raised by the Infertility Network UK today.

They say 'there shouldn't be a stigma surrounding infertility and our 'Talking About Trying' Campaign which will be launched next year will hopefully help with this. No doubt though that like any highly personal issue, IVF should be treated with confidentiality - after all no one would share details of how their naturally conceived children. What do you think'

My opinion......until you have encountered infertility then I guess it's pretty hard to try to understand but i can most certainly say the best thing we did was to go public with our story. The support has been fantastic and it amazes me how people just don't even realise the ivf postcode lottery exists in this area. If we can just raise a little bit of awareness it would be a great achievement and why should infertility not be talked about, I think we should talk about it more, it's not something to be embarrassed or ashamed about. It's hard to talk about, really hard, but unless we talk about it then there will always be that stigma attached won't there?

I also think that people should remember that we didn't cause ourselves the problems we have. We have fertility issues that have just happened for no particular reason, and that have most likely been with us for most of our lives, through no fault of our own, they are medical conditions that unfortunately there is no cure for. Every day I see people with babies and think 'do you realise just how lucky you are' but in actual fact how do we even know that they too haven't suffered with infertility issues. I could write lots and lots on this but will leave it here for now and perhaps write a little more later in the week.

Things that made me smile today :

~ A gorgeous bunch of flowers from my husband, lovely surprise :)

Following my 'do nothing' day on Monday I have decided that this is something I should do at least once a week. I thought that sleeping during the day would make sleeping at night even more hard work but in actual fact it did me a bit of good getting up when my body actually wanted to rather than when I thought it was time.

And then....on Wednesday night we had 'Date Night', Pete took me out for a meal and we watched a film...it was lovely just the 2 of us, Pete has been working every day just lately so this was a well deserved treat.

Lastnight, as we had rented out 4 films, one of which was a 'boy' film, I let Pete watch it in bed so I could fall asleep naturally and hoorah, it worked! So, maybe this is the way forward! Letting Pete watch a film in bed at bedtime and me being able to fall asleep without stressing myself out :)



I cannot believe it is just 3 weeks tomorrow until our fundraiser event, it's crazy how fast time is going at the moment, it will soon be a year since I have worked! I have sent out table plans to everyone that has stalls at our event and think everything is just about in place now although I must admit I will be alot happier once we have sold most of the tickets for the evening event, I know it will be a great night and hope we can get the support we need to make it a great success :)



And then, after our event, Christmas is upon us.....my aim is to have a relax and to enjoy a few months where I can switch off from everything until Springtime when we can think about organising something else, but until then I think I need/want/must have some down time and try and focus my mind elsewhere, as much as I want my family to be complete I must remember I still need to live and try to be happy and spend some quality time with my husband <3


Every now and again I stop, and I think, and I remember why we are doing this and sometimes I smile....but sometimes I cry....sometimes with sadness and sometimes with happiness......and every night I go to sleep I hope and I pray that oneday we will be complete and we will have our special little family....I cannot wait for that day xx

Things that made me smile today :

~ A day in my PJ's & Slipper Sox and being snuggled up infront of a film with my gorgeous husband

~ Another homemade tea as part of my aim to lose some weight

Thought I should scribble down a few words as I haven't written anything for a few weeks...

Had a bit of an up and down 2 weeks really...majorly struggling with sleeping. I feel so tired yet when it comes to turning off the lights and putting my head to the pillow I just cannot sleep despite being exhausted. My dreams are there all the time and when it's time to get up I just don't feel like I have slept, I wake up during the night and get so frustrated that I can't get back to sleep again. So yesterday I decided to have a 'do absolutely nothing day'!! Pete was out working so I stayed in bed and actually slept til lunchtime then had a lovely hot bath and watched some afternoon tv and it was good and I think I felt a little better for it. Just hope the rest of this week is a bit easier for me.


Something else I haven't posted about on here which I feel I should... Warrington has now reinstated funding for IVF which is great news however it leaves just 2 counties that still do not fund any IVF treatment at all. Sutton & Merton and North Yorkshire! It still amazes me how the PCT think it is acceptable to have this postcode lottery in place. Some counties get 3 cycles, some only get 1 but we get nothing. Try not to think about it too much, it makes me so angry and really, really sad.

Also....been a bit down with the fact I have put on so much weight. I lost so much earlier in the year due to loss of appetite but it has just piled back on through comfort eating so with a little help from 2 friends who also want to lose a bit of weight we are having daily chats about what we are eating etc and setting little goals, hoping a bit of support puts me in the right direction to try and sort this little problem out! Not holding out much hope with christmas on it's way though!

Less than 4 weeks until our fundraiser day. It's going to be here before we know it. Everything is now all confirmed and booked in, just a few little things left to sort out and we will be ready for the big event. Really looking forward to it thanks to the support of our amazing friends and family and we really do hope it will be a huge success and that everyone enjoys all the effort and planning that we have put into it :)

Will write a bit more at the weekend.....time for bed xx







A fellow blogger friend of mine did a full month of blogging about the joys she found in each and every day so as a little extra to make me a bit more positive, each time I do a new blog post I am going to finish with one or two joys that I have found in my day (thanks Liane for the great idea, hope you don't mind me using it xx ).

Things that made me smile today :

~ Listening to my new Kylie album, The Abbey Road Sessions, whilst cooking a homemade tea :)

~ My husband telling me he's taking me out for a meal tomorrow evening :)

xx

Think I need to stop, breath and relax.....it has been such a busy few weeks and it has most certainly kept my mind busy but gosh I have a headache now!

Some great news though....
My very best friend and her husband had their first baby last Wednesday (the 10th) and she is so gorgeous and I am so, so happy for them, they deserve it, they went through so much to get to where they are today, Imogen-Rose is just beautiful and I cannot wait for cuddles!

......and in the midst of all the lovely comments they have had from people came these touching words...

Paula, just carry on doing what you're doing and it'll happen to you. It's a hard life but sometimes everything stops, you hold your breath and a miracle happens...and it's going to happen to you. Just keep going, just keep doing what you're doing, never give up and always know you've got your Mum, through everything she's there, look at her, listen to her, she knows, and pretty soon you and Pete will have your own little bundle of joy! So enjoy everything knowing "that's going to happen to me"....

So, here I think this song fits just perfectly, can't stop listening to it <3 xxx

Busy week planning and organising so just a quick post to show everyone our flyer design :

Also had a lovely evening on friday with some good friends, was great to see people and socialise - it's been a long time coming so thank you to everyone that came along!

And...for anyone interested in coming to our evening event for our fundraiser day, this is a song from the band that will be performing, this is one they wrote themselves and we love it and hope you will too, I am sure they will be a massive hit with everyone ~ 'The Reeds' :)

Tickets not yet available at the places stated but please let me know if you would like a ticket and I will make sure you get one... x

It's been a very busy few weeks, we have had our meeting with the Mayor and he is completely supportive of our cause and we are so grateful to the council for allowing us use of the town hall on Saturday 1st December.

So it's all about event planning now and this is the plan so far...
From around 9am we will have a variety of stalls with items for sale, we already have home baking, jewellery, nappycakes, cushions and crafts, sweets, cupcakes and lots more. We are also having a face painter from 11am-3pm and Santa will be popping in for an hour or so! Afternoon tea/coffee and cake will also be available and there will be a tombola and a raffle too.
On the evening from around 7pm-11pm we are having an evening of entertainment with performances from a great local band 'The Reeds', other acts yet to be confirmed, there will be a bar and nibbles, tickets are £10 so if you would like one then please let me know :)

Lots to plan and think about but it is certainly keeping my mind busy and something to aim for, really hope it comes together and will be a success. The support we have is amazing and we would like to thank everyone for all they have done to help so far, without our great family, friends and support from people we don't even know, none of this would be possible.

Not much else to report really, I still have up and down days and struggle to get myself woken up on a morning some days, going into town a little more now so it's nice for things to be a little more normal. Still on my tablets, my doctor says I should carry on with them but I am determined to get them out of my life.
Also, on the hunt for a job, hoping everything will just fall into place and the perfect job will turn up at the perfect time. I still have to get myself better and stronger before I can think about work again but I will get there.

Also, a good friend is in a local football team and he is putting to them that they perhaps think about doing a coast to coast run or something like that, they will get sponsored and help raise money for our cause, again this really touched me, some people have been so very kind to us :)

Hoping to get flyers/posters/tickets designed soon so watch this space for further information  on our fundraiser day..

Just a quick late night post, sat here eating chocolate, wrapped up in my PJ's and fluffy dressing gown, while the rain pours outside...winter surely can't be here already.....anyway, a few things I wanted to record in my scrap book so a post on here is as good a way as any - I have definitely learnt the art of blogging now and it has become a bit of a diary for me but in the end it will make up one big story and I hope to enjoy reading it back some day.

So since my last post on Friday.....

My employers have terminated my employment so I now need to focus on getting better and finding a  brand new job. I have, over the last few months invested a bit of time and money in a home study course, something to concentrate my mind and give me a new goal. I am doing a Level 3 in Early Learning & Childcare...the idea behind this was that if we never get our dream of our own baby then this would come in useful if we decided to adopt or foster and also maybe even a new career in childminding. So far, so good, I am really enjoying it and it is something completely different for me, so glad I chose it :)

Also, our date has finally been set for our fundraiser event. It will be held on Saturday 1st December this year in the Town Hall, Northallerton and I am so excited. Got lots of people on board to help already and can't wait to start thinking of lots of ideas for it. I really hope it will be a great success. More details to follow in the next few weeks....

Would also like to say to my husband....I love you very much, thank you for being a star and putting up with me and my horrendous moods, not sure quite how you have managed to get through the last 8 months, you truly are amazing and I love you with all my heart xx <3

Last weekend I realised how cruel and heartless some people can be.....I won't go into detail  but I ended up feeling so sad and hurt that some people can actually think it acceptable to lie and treat people with a total lack of respect.....really makes me wonder what the world is coming to sometimes!! Really didn't help how i'm feeling at the moment...

Anyway, I moved on but still not had a great week. I haven't slept very well at all this week, I have terrible pain in my shoulders, hips and knees on a night and have had a poorly tummy all week too and not sure if my change in medication is totally agreeing with me but I am determined to keep going as I am, so needless to say I have been an extra grumpy wife this week!

Good News though.......we have been granted permission to use the whole of the town hall, free of charge for one day so we can hold our fundraiser day. So pleased....not got a date yet but watch this space, we should have a date very soon :)

We have also completed our calendar this week, so happy with it and so proud we have made it ourselves with the help of some kind donations of photographs off some lovely people.
£7 each or £9 posted if anyone is interested in purchasing one.

Let's hope next week is a better one xx

Another week has gone by, time is flying at the moment, nearly been off work for 8 months now...

My change in medication this week doesn't seem to have affected me too dramatically which is good, think my hubby would have told me if I was any grumpier than usual!

Ventured into town again on Wednesday to have lunch with my Mum and my God Mother who i haven't seen since the wedding, was lovely to see her and good for me to get out again....must say we chose a terrible day as I was a drowned rat by the time I got home!

Been in touch with the Mayor this week too....he is taking to committee next week a proposal of us having use of the town hall to host our very own fundraising event....quite excited as this would mean we could have a car boot style area with things for sale, we can make and sell cakes, hold a raffle  and also would be able to sell our calendars and notebooks too.....lots of other things we could perhaps throw into this ...face painters, bouncy castle, entertainment....so fingers crossed :)

So no major changes, i'm just pottering on every day and before I know it, it's the start of a new week. Some days are better than others and I still struggle to get to sleep and wake up feeling like I actually haven't really slept, wish I could just switch my busy little mind off!

Had a bad start to the week....a few things had happened over previous days and I think the way my mind is working at the moment things seem a million times worse than they really are and I then get upset, a bit emotional and in a bit of a state....

The week got better though...

On Tuesday I was back at the doctors, we had a lovely long chat about how I have been and what progress I have made and we agreed that I should try and reduce my dosage on my AD's which is wonderful, instead of one every day I am reducing to one every other day so fingers crossed this works and that the change doesn't affect me too much, a step in the right direction at least.

Then, on Thursday I took a big step and went into town. In 7 months I have been to Pizza Express twice, sneaking in so no one saw me - sounds a bit crazy doesn't it!
So...this was a massive step for me. I walked, with my husband, into town and to The Fleece for lunch, we then walked halfway back up the high street and into Boyes to buy a few things I needed, and back home.
It probably doesn't sound alot to you but it took alot for me to do this, my heart was beating really fast and I was scared incase I saw anyone, but thankfully it went well (i did see one person but we detoured round her ~ not someone I wished to speak to anyway!). This is a great achievement for me and means that perhaps I can try again next week.

My mum messaged me on Thursday evening to tell me about this man that had been on The One Show that night. I've read his story as I missed the show but basically he has come into alot of money and is giving away £1000 per day to random people!

He says " I decided to pass on my good luck to others by giving away £1,000 every day. I planned to give the money to complete strangers - someone different every time - and all I'd ask is that they'd do something positive with the cash " .... so with that I have 'liked' him on Facebook and am following him on Twitter, he is now following me too - good sign?! 
Read about 'We Are Lucky' here : http://we-are-lucky.com/
Wouldn't it be great if he could help us with our fundraising....but then I think, this sort of thing doesn't happen to people like us...

Today didn't start off too badly, better nights sleep, the cold seems to be disappearing, popped out for a bit of shopping and fresh air too.

In the paper again...the Darlington & Stockton Times... 

and then....

The LWC at Darlington called me with the results of my blood tests...unfortunately my ovarian reserve is low and I therefore cannot be accepted to egg share.
Totally gutted but I guess that is a lesson in not getting my hopes up so much. This means our only option is IVF using donor sperm and this will cost over £4000, probably more like £6000 once we add on the cost of medication etc and that is for just one round of treatment so would ideally need double that so we had a second chance should the first not be successful.

We have been in touch with a lady at Care Fertility who has suggested us selling our story to a magazine which we will consider as this means more money in the pot! 

We also have the help of a lovely lady from Newton Aycliffe, Rachel Draco, who handmakes jewellery and fancy scarves, she will be doing a craft fayre on September 8th at Bowburn and has produced 2 Kumihimo bracelet designs for us in baby pink and baby blue, she will be donating the proceeds from the sales of these to our IVF fund....this is a lovely gesture from someone we don't know and we are so grateful for her help :)

Funny old day today.....20 copies of our Northern Echo article, 20 blank envelopes and 20 stamps have just been posted through our letterbox!!!
With a note from a friend telling us to post these out to whoever we think appropriate...some people are just so kind :)

So there has been a few tears, a few cuddles and after a few wise words from a few people, I know I have to stay positive and keep going, we will get there, this is simply another hurdle for us.

Needless to say I am consoling myself with chocolate this evening xx

We are in the Northern Echo today....exciting!! 
This can also be viewed online by following this link  http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/news/local/northallerton/9897295.Northallerton_couple_hit_out_over_IVF_block/

As a result of our story, Health Editor Barry Nelson, who wrote our story, has already been contacted by a lady at Care Fertility who stated she may be able to help with egg sharing for us in Sheffield...obviously the fact that our story has already been noticed is great but we do hope to now be treated at Darlington.

The Northern Echo also want us to keep in touch so when we have reached our target they will do a follow up story for us, hopefully with some good news!

Also in the post today, a letter from LWC, Darlington, just confirming everything from yesterday...it also states 

'Both ovaries are normal in volume, there were between 7-8 antral follicles in each ovary and the ultrasound scan picture is not typical of polycystic ovarian disease' - so, things look pretty normal! Good News!!

Must say I have come across alot of medical terms just lately that I have not got a clue what they mean.....

so comes the wonderful tool that is Wikipedia! Lots of reading ahead I think... 

Today was our appointment at the London Women's Clinic in Darlington ~ after a terrible night's sleep due to stressing about it!
Firstly, I must say what a lovely place it was....a warm welcome from Sarah who checked all our forms were filled in correctly, the lovely waiting area, the friendly and reassuring nurse and consultant....a massive difference to what we experienced at Leeds so this definitely put me at ease. Also, a wall full of baby pictures, babies that had successfully been conceived through the LWC, so lovely, bit of a lump in the throat at that point.

Have to make a point here that the highlight of the trip for Pete was most definitely the drinks machine!! Free Galaxy hot chocolate, now you don't get that treatment in the NHS hospitals! Needless to say he had 3! 
Also, free parking and no sitting in crammed waiting rooms :)

So I had a scan and some blood tests, again the whole procedure was totally different to what I have experienced before...and then we sat down together with the consultant.

He told us, after seeing my scan, that he sees no reason why I could not egg share, the blood tests will check my ovarian reserve and confirm for definite if I can be accepted to be an egg sharer.....wonderful news!
If I get accepted it means we have a massively lower amount of money to raise for our IVF treatment and of course we will be doing something amazing too, helping another couple have a baby. 
And one more plus....the success rate is 50% which is huge and a lot higher than many places we have looked at :)

My plan now is to try and get my head back into a better place, to look at trying to come off my tablets and to look forward to 2013

'With over 20 years' experience, The LWC is among the leading centres for infertility treatment; our success rates compare with the best both nationally and internationally. The LWC has one of the highest egg-sharing success rates in the UK, in 2009 there was a 69% live birth rate for sharers and 51% for recipients'

So tomorrow is our appointment at the fertility clinic in Darlington, our story is being written up by the press and I am feeling nervous....always get this way before anything big happening, especially hospital appointments and knowing we have to go through all the tests and questions again...

Reminding myself constantly that there is a point to all the questions and the prodding and poking....making a miracle and making our dreams come true, that is the point and that is what keeps me going...

Came across this quote, seems to fit quite perfectly at the moment...

Full of cold and not feeling great but keeping myself busy by slowly putting together our calendar ( thank goodness my husband is so talented with his photoshop skills) and also going to start a scrap book too....and one day when the book is full we can perhaps look back and say...

"It was all worth it"

A few positives...

Total now raised is £468.97 which is fantastic and our fundraiser calendars, notebooks and magnets are coming together really well :)

Magnet sample

Looking forward to our appointment at LWC, Darlington next week ~ Hoping this brings something positive for us :)

Calendar sample

Also...have spoken to a local paper, they have read our blog and I have spoken with them today to discuss our situation  and they are writing our story as we speak.


They are sending someone to take our photo this weekend and hopefully our story will be published next week......so happy we are getting our story into the press, if we don't help ourselves then for us to let people know about the IVF postcode lottery in our area will be a great achievement.

A6 Notebook Sample

Calendar sample

Will keep you posted ~ Thank you so much to those that have donated so far and also to friends and family for their continued support xx

This weeks update...

Just thought I would keep you up to date with what's happening with us at the moment.

We have now raised £402.57 which is fantastic, we are so thankful for all your donations so far xx

We are also in the process of putting together a 2013 calendar featuring 'animal families' which will be made up of photographs that have been taken and donated to us, all proceeds from the sale of these will go into our IVF Fund.

Received our final letter from the PCT today stating that our circumstances are not special enough for them to change their funding decision and they will not be helping us! Giving up on that fight now :(

Also, after having all our tests at Leeds we are now looking a bit closer to home and have a consultation at the London Womens Clinic in Darlington at the end of this month to discuss the possibility of egg sharing. 
This would mean the cost of one attempt at IVF would reduce to just £1075 which would be a more realistic target for us.
I pass all the criteria for egg sharing apart from my untreated Polycystic Ovaries so if we can get past this hurdle then this may be an option for us and we would also be helping another couple make their little miracle too :)

Don't forget you can donate here -----> Pete & Paula's IVF Donation Page

So Far...

After months of thinking about it I am finally here to document our quest to have our own little family...

I will start from the beginning....

Met my wonderful husband on 7th April 2007 and on 16th April 2011 we became Mr & Mrs Mc'B' - the happiest day of my life. After going through a few bad relationships and having a few difficult times in my life I truly never believed this day would come, but it did and it really was the most perfect day of my life and as quoted by my mum 'Pete may not be rich in money but he is rich in love for my daughter'. We didn't spend alot on our big day but with a little help from a few special people it really was a wonderful day and it most certainly wasn't about the money!

Anyway, in July following our wedding we discussed the future and having a family.
I had previously being diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) in 2006 after a laparoscopy and Pete had mentioned in the early stages of our relationship that he may have problems having children but obviously that would never change the way I felt about him.
So, we took the plunge and went to the doctors to discuss our issues.

18th January 2012 - I went in to the Friarage for a HSG to check my tubes - all clear. However, this was the start of a rocky 6 months. The procedure was the most painful experience of my life, I will never be able to explain the pain to anyone but I will never forget that day....or the tears. I was in pain for days afterwards and had to take unexpected time off work.

7th February 2012 - Initial consultation with Dr Bryce at The Friarage Hospital, Northallerton where after having blood tests, smears, scans, swabs and semen analysis, we were told we would not be able to conceive a child naturally together. We were referred to Seacroft Hospital for Reproductive Medicine in Leeds.

2nd April 2012 - General discussion at Seacroft with a referral for Pete to have further scans and tests.

23rd April 2012 - Pete's scans carried out at Leeds Infirmary.

28th May 2012 - Meeting with Professor Adam Balen at Seacroft - Results from Pete's scans confirming we will never have a child together. Our only option being donor IVF, but unfortunately the North Yorkshire PCT do not fund IVF so we would have to self fund. Something that we are no where near able to do so hopes completely dashed. I did follow this up with a letter to the PCT and also William Hague to try and appeal but this came to nothing, final begging letter sent but still waiting to hear.

22nd June 2012 - Unexpected letter from Professor Adam Balen at Seacroft with a final diagnosis for Pete - Klinefelters Syndrome (this condition leads to reduced fertility and in Pete's case means he will never biologically father a child of his own).

We are now in July (the 23rd) and I still have not returned to work after my HSG in January.

The whole process has left me confused, sad, tired and I am on anti-depressants with a sedative in to help me sleep and also beta blockers to help with the anxiety I now suffer with.

I struggle to sleep, and when I do I dream and wake up feeling tired, I have slight hair loss when I shower and I cannot leave the house on my own for fear of seeing anyone I know, the thought of having to explain myself to anyone scares me so much. I lost around 2 stone due to loss of appetite, thankfully the appetite is back however I think comfort eating may be kicking in!
I have been in town once (for our anniversary) in 6 months but do try to get out and about with Pete and my Mum as often as I can.


I am now tired, drained and completely exhausted from 6 months of 'thinking too much', trying to find an answer, trying to make sense of it all.

Also noticed that everyone around me became pregnant while we were having all these tests, 5 pregnancies at work I think. That was a very difficult thing for me, especially when the obvious happened....'must be your turn next Paula'! People are so quick to assume everyone can have children, what about us that can't, how do we answer that? Perfectly natural question but everytime crushed me a little bit more. And then there was the whole thing if I told people, would they give me sympathy, last thing I wanted. Never, ever want sympathy, just support and understanding means the world.

If we can't raise funds for IVF then our only other option is adoption but having looked into this it seems to be a massive invasion of your life and not sure how I would cope with it, as amazing as it would be to adopt and give a child a chance in life, the maternal part of me still craves to be pregnant and bring a baby into the world.
So, all that is left is to make the money we need but this would mean going public and telling the world that we cannot have children and we need help to raise the money we so desperately need to enable us to have the family we really want! I can't explain how I feel and no one else can explain or understand unless they have been in this lonely little boat, hoping and praying for a miracle, trying not to give up.

Our hope is to one day have a baby together, a grandchild for my mum and a new meaning in our lives, a brand new future to look forward to.

So here we are, at today's date, sharing our story  but also to raise awareness and help other couples that want what we want.

Would like to say a huge thanks to my mum, the best mum a girl could wish for and completely supportive in all we choose to do (and great for regular coffee trips to get me out of the house!) x
Also, my best (and pregnant!) friend Vicki - who is always there for me x

That's all from me today, hope I have managed to cover everything.
Hope to keep this blog updated regularly and maybe one day this will all have been worthwhile and we can look back and read this with a smile on our faces knowing that it was the right thing to do....